We’ve all heard of post-partum depression, but did you know that depression DURING pregnancy is just as real? I read that anywhere from 10-20% of pregnant women experience depression during their pregnancy. I can’t speak for them….but I can speak for myself because I am part of that percentage.

During my first pregnancy, my first trimester was hell, and I don’t use that word lightly. I was still working, but when I was home I was most likely curled up in bed feeling hopeless with no end in sight. The physical sickness was awful, either throwing up or feeling like I was about to and the acid reflux making me feel like something was stuck in my throat and I was choking. But worse than all that was the deep despair that I felt. From what I remember, it ended after the first trimester but it wasn’t until later in the pregnancy I read about depression during pregnancy. It made sense at that point.

This time around, my first trimester brought back the depression. Praise my God the physical sickness wasn’t as bad, nor has the depression been. But it has been bad enough that I wish it up on no one. In the early weeks getting out of bed seemed liked the worst possible thing ever and involved much more energy than I had. As soon as I sat up I knew the sickness would hit and would stay with me aaaaaaaallllllllllll day and last sometimes through the night as well. I would lay in bed listening to my toddler daughter calling out from her crib and trying to figure out just how long I could lay there before she went crazy.

Mid mornings found me laying on the futon watching Georgia play in the living room. I found no joy in watching her, which made me cry even more than I was because she was so happy and I couldn’t enjoy her. Again I’m so thankful to Jesus that she is still so young that she hasn’t known the difference between me laying there with a blank expression on my face versus me playing with her like normal. Or maybe she did because it was during this time that she started offering kisses to me. While she would let my husband and I kiss her, she had never really kissed us back. But one morning I was sitting on the couch while she played and she walked over to me, raised her little face up towards me and just stood there. It took me a couple seconds to figure it out but there was something in her stance that suggested a kiss. And so I bent down and kissed her lips, she smiled and went off to continue to play. Be still my heart, this little girl, not even a year and a half old came over 3 more times that morning to give me a kiss. The most random times but it was like she knew that I needed her love even though I didn’t feel any love towards her (and do you know hard I am crying just typing that last sentence?)

Deciding how to take a shower took a half hour-should I wait until she goes down for a nap (and waste precious time that I could go lay down?), should I bring her in the shower with me (too much energy), should I let her play on the bathroom floor while I shower (she likes to watch me shower so then water gets all over and that involves energy to clean up) or should I just not shower today (seemed like the easiest option)?

I’m 14 weeks pregnant now and thankfully the depression started to lift weeks ago. It hasn’t been as bad nor as long as the first pregnancy, but it has been there and it is very real. Talking about it helped, hearing from other women that they too went through the same thing, and having friends that reached out to me during those darkest days saved my sanity. I am forever grateful for those that lifted me up when I couldn’t lift myself up….including my little cherub who has the sweetest kisses.

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“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 ESV

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